For anyone that knows me, you know that I am a huge fucking complainer and negative fuck. This is largely driven by OCD aka incessant dwelling on things that don't go according to plan or when things don't work out. WELL THINGS DONT ALWAYS WORK OUT DO THEY. A bunch of my negativity may also come from the fact that i grew up in a terribly negative household. my mother is the most negative person i know. no matter how good something is or a situation is she will always find something wrong with it. either way, this type of thinking HAS TO STOP. complaining and dwelling on the negative does no fucking good. it blows mood, blows state, annoys others, annoys myself, and sends me down a path of unhappiness and bad results. it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy too....i'll have one stupid situation not work out, one girl flake, etc and BOOM, i start thinking I HAVE NO GAME, I FUCKING SUCK, MY SKILLS ARE SUBPAR, etc etc etc. Then when i'm out, my core confidence is FUCKED, when i'm interacting with other girls on my rotation or new prospects, i'm coming from a scarcity frame, etc etc.
so let's look at this logically:
1. BAD THINGS HAPPEN
2. NO ONE IS PERFECT
3. SOME THINGS ARE OUT OF MY CONTROL
4. SOMETIMES I JUST FUCK UP EVEN WHEN THINGS COULD HAVE WENT WELL
5. #1-4 causes my mood and state to get royally fucked and causes me to annoy my friends and myself. it causes unhappiness and is UNPRODUCTIVE.
here's the thing that caused my daily catastrophe today (there's always something): i sent a stupid text to the 19 year old model/stripper (the one that was supposed to come stay at my hotel in north carolina next week) today saying,
"i'm debating hanging out with a group of asian lingerie clowns next week. i get into north carolina on sunday night so you should book your flight ASAP. i'd rather hang out with you but i'll make do either way ;)"
this was fucking stupid. it basically says: "book your shit now or i'm gonna fuck some sluts". ultimatum, weird, and blowing the whole romantic and special frame i had created that was going to have her fly from rochester to raleigh in the first place to see a guy she hung out with for one night and blew. now i was basically trivializing her visit and saying that if she doesn't come i have other girls anyways. it was all supposed to be a big joke that would push her a little to book her flight. however she replied:
her: have fun. i'm not coming any more.
me: why?
her: it's not worth it
me: what do you mean?
her: i'm not going to spend 400 dollars to come spend the week with you when you have other girls that you want to see. have fun.
me: [bust on her about taking that seriously and insist that it was a joke blah blah]
her: right [aka she didn't buy it]
it really WAS a joke. shes 19 though and a virgin and must have assumed it was true. WHATEVER. new rule: NO MORE NEGATIVITY AND COMPLAINING. i tend to text a bunch of PUA's when shit goes bad and complain and look for sympathy. i wallow in this pity and it helps ease my mind a little bit and deal with the bad shit just by telling others.
zach texted me this tonight:
"dude in all respect asa friend... the way you make a victim out of yourself is annoying and super lame... i mean dude you go and call all your friends when a girl flakes on you or some shit.. as friends jake and i wnat to help you and are willing to collaborate with you on advice and shit but duddde i have enough problems and i'm sure jake tj rob and everyone else does too... you fuck so many girls but you're trapped in your own ego always wanting more more more.... i know this cause i do it all the time too...but i'm mocking you so you ralize the behavior you're doing is fucking lame and annoying. honestly i dont think it helps anyone...including myself...i think we like building a victim identity out of things and we are addicted to it...which is why we always need stuff to feel better like more girls, nice car, nice tv, etc...it's a process that never ends and is addicting. the only way out is accepting the now haha which you would know if you read the power of now. i think getting good with girls is a fun thing to do...but it can be damaging if we do it out of ego which i fall in and out of all the time"
wise words. i def am super annoying to others and myself with all my stupid complaining. i literally have a different catastrophe every day. all over stupid stupid STUPID FUCKING SHIT. no day goes perfect. does that mean every day i should be in this huge lament over some dumb bullshit? i fucked 6 girls in 9 days and then i had a 7th girl fall through the day after that and i was SHATTERED. it was really close and i got cockblocked at the VERY LAST SECOND and it DESTROYED ME. this same thing can happen in a given day. i can fuck 3 girls in a day and have a 4th lined up who flakes. what do i do? I DEFLATE. it's like i expect a nonstop chain of success. UNREALISTIC.
i'm not sure how much of this is due to my extremely verbally abusive upbringing. i suspect a lot. i was told ever since i can remember that i was nothing and that i'd never make anything out of myself. i was verbally abused to an extreme degree. so was mystery. so was tyler durden. the top PUAs seek out so bad to be validated and show the world that they are NOT nothing. i can have soooo much success and good shit happen to me and one little thing fucks up my world.
plan: continue studying indifference, meditate, read the power of now, and realize that NOT EVERYTHING IS PERFECT. once i can be content with plenty of bad stuff happening, i will truly evolve to the next level.
that being said, i'm off to drive an hour to sarge with simon. thank you zach.
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